After I wrote my last post of the things I would say to "her", Joe came to the house to pick up the last of his belongings and do our taxes. We exchanged pleasantries, accomplished our goals and then because I'm not one to mince words; I came out and asked "Why her? Why the one person in the world that you knew would hurt me the most?"
His response was much simpler than I imagined, “She was there for me.”
At first I wanted to punch him in the face. I thought of all the reasons that should be a complete bullshit response. Plenty of his friends were there for me too but I didn’t start dating them. Then after he left, I sat there thinking about it and realized he’s absolutely correct.
She was there for him; she was always there for him. I’d never say that our friendship was a farce; I know that she truly cared for me and thought of me as her best friend, her sister. However, once they became friends after we married, it was obvious they were always more suited for each other. They shared so many of the same qualities, it was easy to see why I loved having them both in my life.
They believe in the same kind of love, life purposes, ideals of happiness, and ways to accomplish their goals. Those are all things Joe and I could never find a way to compromise that would suit us equally. They laughed at the same jokes that I found ridiculous and they shared the same hobbies that I found mundane. As much as it pains me to say it, they really do belong with each other.
Will this relationship turn into a great love? I have no idea, but deep down in my heart I only want for him to be happy. That’s why I left him, so we could stop making each other unhappy. I walked into this divorce thinking of Joe as much as myself. I make myself happy in whatever situation I happen to find myself in; Joe lacks that ability at times. His need to make everyone else happy often overrode his need to find happiness within himself. I’m in no way trying to be the martyr, I just know we would have continued in a vicious cycle had I not been strong enough to say “enough is enough”.
Joe and I are working on our friendship. We’re not in the easiest place right now but we no longer hate each other. Words and thoughts that should have never seen the light of day flew out of our mouths with the direct target of killing each other and came mighty close several times. I’m not proud of the way I acted toward him and I now know he isn’t happy with himself for things he said or did; however we’re trying to heal for our future as friends.
I wish I could say the same for “her”. I wish I could find it in my heart to let my anger toward her die however, I’m not there yet. Truthfully? I don’t I want to trust her again. A friend joked that there was a “woman code” concerning ex-boyfriends and ex-husbands, to me it’s just not a joking matter yet.
I will say though, if they can give each other what he and I couldn't accomplish, then I'm actually kind of glad for it. Regardless of the anger, the hurt or the situation, I truly just want everyone of us involved to find happiness and peace.
